How The Zombies Ate Your Guns in 2013

There once was a powerful zombie queen named Dianne. Dianne doesn’t seem like such a terrifying name and that’s probably why she went unnoticed as a zombie for so long. Don’t get me wrong. All of the signs that she was undead were there; the lifeless eyes, the gaunt white skin stretched taught over sharp cheekbones, the ridiculous bouffant wigs used to hide her balding pate and the lispy voice that turned the “s” at the end of a word into a “z”, like in “gunz” and “brainz”. All classic signs, and yet, we missed them all.

She had fooled her people for decades despite looking like the living dead when she ascended to her position, and yet not aging the entire time. Of course, the people she ruled were more concerned with good times and hand outs than protecting themselves.

Queen of the Damned Dianne knew that her kind would never take over so long as the living were armed. So for years and years she plotted and schemed. The path for her unholy horde was clear. Disarm the living and they would feast on brainz for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But how?

Finally, a tragedy struck and, relying on sentimentality, undead Dianne used her power to ramrod new laws through that would disarm the living. In a sense of guilt, the living were disarmed. Those who opposed this were labeled as kooks and crazies and led off as criminals.

Unfortunately, this isn’t a fairy tale with a happy ending. The zombies are at the door. First, they will eat your gunz and then they will come for your brainz. Stop Zombie Queen Dianne’s evil gun grabbing agenda and expose her for what she is. Unchecked, she will suck the life out of you, your family, and your neighbors.

We don’t often publish fiction on SSD but I didn’t think this one could wait until Halloween.

19 Responses to “How The Zombies Ate Your Guns in 2013”

  1. semperdanny says:

    I was on her website the other day and emailed her my concerns. In the website amongst other issues was a letter to the producers of Zero Dark Thirty, stating that she conducted an investigation on the actual mission to kill/capture bin laden and stated that the movie is inaccurate due to the depicted torture methods used by the CIA in the movie, in order to obtain the critical information that lead them to his location. The investigation concluded that the movie is misleading to the American people. Really…? Who’s misleading who, and for how long now…? I think she should conduct an investigation on herself for misleading CA for so damn long! Keep Calm CA, and Kill Zombies!

    • Haji says:

      Apparently she’s so in tune with the events that she missed the point of it being a fictional movie, not a documentary.

      Yup, these are the ones who want to run your health care and everything else in your life.

  2. A says:

    It seems she has been a festering corpse for some time…

  3. I don’t usually endorse anything to do with zombies, but when I do they look like…

  4. Aaron says:

    Since she is one of my Senators I wrote her, then forwarded it to Boxer and then to my rep Grace Napolitano.

    • dairain says:

      I’m certain that she doesn’t care what you think. Voting her out is the only solution.

  5. BradKAK308 says:

    Fiction? So she isn’t after the gunz? SSD, Is it true she carries, or is that just propoganda?

  6. Matt Chen says:

    Why the story seems like the Stephen King’s style in here?
    May the Zombies will not so like the Gunzzzzzz , it’s nature.
    However , the rights about the survival is necessary!!!!!! it’s true.

  7. Alna says:

    Wait, wait.. isn’t it guns that have sucked the life out of us, our families and our neighbors??

    • walter shumate says:

      No, it was stupidity and a lack of caring about what is right, and what is wrong, that is gonna suck all the life out of this country, not gunzzz. Thank you for your brilliance though, Alna, I needed the motivation.

    • Joe says:

      Nope…gunzzz are inanimate objects.

  8. Jesse says:

    No Alna, no…

  9. Fred says:

    Honestly, I don’t envision that we will lose any gun rights in the near future. The policy window that was opened in Newtown is very rapidly closing. Washington is too focused on the Fiscal Cliff and will turn their attention to Cabinet appointments in the New Year. They have already forgotten about Benghazi and are quickly forgetting about Newtown. The Democrats will put forward a few bills to appease their constituencies but they will certainly not make it to the floor for a vote. Obama won’t issue an Executive Order restricting gun rights because he needs to work with the Republican House (and the NRA has VERY deep pockets to influence things). If gun law negotiations are anything like the Fiscal Cliff, Obama will give the Republicans 95% of what they want. Furthermore, SCOTUS has a recent history of being gun-friendly and will overturn anything too aggressive.

    In the event that there are changes, they will be minor. We may see a federal mandated waiting period for firearms and ‘bulk’ ammunition purchases, perhaps a requirement that criminal history checks be conducted along with psychological records. Republicans may push for a requirement to show legal immigration status in order to purchase a gun. A federal buyback program could also happen (which I’d kinda like since I have a couple turkeys to get rid of).

    Hopefully the ‘run on guns’ will end this spring and prices will return to normal this summer. Or better yet, if we’re lucky, all the gun speculators will dump their stockpiles and prices will actually drop below retail. I hate to disappoint all the zombie hunters, but there won’t be any jack-booted federal agents in UN helmets kicking in doors to confiscate our firearms.

    • Haji says:

      Were you around for the last one? When it comes to rights, there are no such things as “minor restrictions”.

      • Reverend says:

        Agreed Haji, after living thru the 94′ “minor restrictions”, I don’t think anyone is atuned to the bullsh’t they’re dishing now.

        Highly unlikely that anyone believes the MainStream Media either on the “ban being pushed by the public”.

        If it is? Then the last election, and this proves how coddled, and moronic the general population has become, and that increases the contempt I already have for them.

  10. momorris says:

    why don’t you just call guns what they actually are – people killing machines. So the NRA would become the National People killing Machines Association, just a thought…

    • Haji says:

      Because that’s not what they are. They’re inanimate objects who’s use determines good or evil. What they really are is a way for the weak to even the playing field when they’re being preyed upon by the strong. Even with all the guns I own, none of them have killed anybody yet. If any of them have that chance, it will be in the righteous defense of me and mine.

      • Reverend says:

        Then keep your damned hands off my “People Killing Machine”.

        Because the only people I’m liable to kill with my machine are thieves, murderers, rapists, and idiots who try to take them.