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“Soldiers Love Tails!” Army Adds Tails to Mess Dress Uniform

On 1 April, the US Army announced it would be adding tails to the Mess Dress uniform, abandoning well over a century of tradition.

“My Squad loves tails,” exclaimed the Sergeant Major of the Army Michael A Grinston when discussing the move to add tails to the mess dress uniform, adding, “we’ve looked like bell hops for far too long.“

Army Chief of Staff General James C. McConville responded to media queries with, “it’s the only uniform we haven’t screwed up yet. It was time.”

According to sources close to the effort, there will be no wear out date for legacy tailless mess dress jackets but that those who don’t purchase new versions or at least opt for a button-in upgrade will be forced to empty the grog bowl at future dinning-ins.

During the announcement, SMA Grinston offered a look at other initiatives under consideration, “We’ve got a couple of other ideas we’re batting around as well. For instance, urinals…we’re getting rid of them. Everyone will have to sit down when they pee, but we’re going to get rid of skirts as well, so it kind of balances out. Aside from it’s just the right thing to do, the potential cost savings are enormous considering the size of the Army. Think about all of those broken urinals we won’t have to fix.”

4 Responses to ““Soldiers Love Tails!” Army Adds Tails to Mess Dress Uniform”

  1. Desert Lizard says:

    I read this twice before realizing what day it is. You got me!

    • Sommerbiwak says:

      “it’s the only uniform we haven’t screwed up yet.” was too obvious.

      Humour is best served dry in my humble opinion.

    • TKS says:

      I read this at first and thought the Army had too much money and too few missions to spend time on this. April 1st…SSD got me?

  2. Hubb says:

    “Button-in upgrade.” I am going to pretend like this is not April 1st…….